The Love Crisis Survival Guide
By: Mystikka Jade
Chapter Two:
The First Protocol
~Knowing what you want~
When we are infatuated with someone, it’s hard to separate the salt of realities from the sea of supposed possibilities. Infatuation can create a fantastical world where we appoint him as ‘the one’ regardless of what the concrete facts tell us.
Romantic feelings can be so intense that they often override reason, logic, and true intuition. His words or behaviors may have indicated that he is not willing to move to the next level in the relationship, and although it hurts, you still believe he is your soul mate and count on the idea that he will change. Perhaps he sleeps with other women, but you tell yourself that he will stop that as soon as he becomes more hooked on you. You may make excuses to yourself or to your friends about how busy and stressed he must be since he hasn’t called for weeks at a time.
There are many potential life partners in the world that could be a compatible match for any one of us, yet many of us believe when our feelings for one person are so powerful, that it simply must mean that he will come to his senses at some point in the future and begin to reciprocate our love. Maybe we are convinced that he loves us already but is simply not ready to verbalize it or show it through his actions.
In many cases it is possible for us all to obtain the relationship we want, as long as it does not involve bending or controlling someone else’s will. We are blocked from achieving our hearts desire when we are consumed with a feeling of need for our love interest. Logically we know we don’t need him, yet our hearts tell us we can’t live without him. It becomes exceedingly difficult to know what it is we truly do want when illusion of the need is dominating our emotions.
The first protocol teaches us how to discover what we truly want, within the context of what is possible. Certain desires are strait up fairy tales, as the laws of physics will only bend so far. For example, I am obviously not going to sprout feathered wings out of my back and fly off like a bird into the sunset tomorrow, so I wouldn’t think it to be beneficial to stay focused on wanting that. However, with hard work and a certain degree of compromise, I could learn to fly a plane and soar across the orange sky at some point in my lifetime. I would only need to make a few small compromises and suddenly my vision would be adjusted to fit the scope of true possibility without sacrificing my ability to dream big.
I have clients who are lawyers, doctors, and even members of MENSA who have overlooked the first protocol because it is so basic. If you can recite the entire Declaration Of Independence from memory, I would be very impressed! However, if your emotions are out of balance due to a love crisis, your intelligence is no longer in charge, no matter how smart you are.
To resolve a love crisis, we need to get out of the gray area of inner debates and stop making excuses to ourselves about our love interests that have been responsible for feeding our dysfunctional fantasy patterns. We need to simplify the equation, and call a spade a spade. The question we need to get clear with ourselves about is: “Is this a relationship that I really want?”
It is a common yet true cliché that we cannot change other people and most of us are aware of this truth. However, knowing that we cannot change people does not make us exempt to falling into the trap of hoping in some small way that we can somehow inspire change in the person that we love. We may not even be conscious that we are harboring those expectations or ideas. When our hidden motives are revealed and acknowledged, knowing what we really want is easy.
Statements and questions I’ve heard from clients that indicate they are in denial about wanting to change the person they are with is:
"I know I can't change him, but why can't he just change on his own?"
"I don't want to change him, I just want him to understand me better."
"I don't think I can change him, I just want him to start communicating more."
“He has to learn his lesson somehow right?”
“I realize that he probably won’t change, but will he ever stop drinking/smoking/using drugs?”
“Can’t he see that I am the best thing that ever happened to him?”
“When will he stop taking me for granted?”
"I don't expect him to change, I just want him to tell me he loves me."
"I know that he probably won't change, but I just want the relationship to be more stable."
Anytime the statement ‘I don't want him to change,’ is followed by a ‘but’, or a few words about what you wish could be different; you are contradicting yourself. If you do not want him unless he changes something about himself, or until he arrives at some realization he has been overlooking, then you don’t really want him after all. Many of my clients believe with all of their hearts that what they really want is a functional relationship with their man of concern, however once they fully internalize the understanding that he or she comes ‘as is’, they do not want the relationship after all.
If he is not interested in doing any of the things that you require of him, and acquiesces to your demands to appease you because of some threat or ultimatum you pose, he will end up resenting you for it. Those resentments grow like a virus that infects and destroys any possibility of a healthy and happy relationship.
Some women do the opposite of threats and go out of their way to do unusually nice things for their man of concern instead. Behind their actions is an ulterior motive that they are often not conscious of. They feel if they can just get the guy to see how loving, kind or generous they are he will suddenly realize what he has been missing and decide as a result of his own inspiration, to change something for her.
Usually the opposite of the desired reaction is achieved. If a man is pushed to change in any way at all, whether passively or directly, he will most likely feel very manipulated or pressured. He will most likely back away or shut down in an attempt to escape the suffocation of that feeling.
Although you cannot change your man of concern, you can change yourself and the way you respond to him. He may eventually change on his own, possibly inspired by the example you set. However, if you are counting on him to do so, you are missing the boat. A relationship cannot change into something healthier, even if it is it’s destiny to do so, until we find the inner peace that comes from relinquishing the inner battle between ‘what is’ and the expectations about ‘what could be.’ When we accept our inability to change other people, we bring that new sense of calmness into the playing field of the relationship, and the conflict that has been feeding the love crisis will dramatically subside.
Relationships do grow and evolve in a positive way when thriving in an environment of love and acceptance. Accepting him exactly the way he is releases tons of pain and frustration. When you respect his resistance to change, the relationship will breathe easier and drain much less of your energy, and less of his, too. If you strive maintain that state of mind, you will have the edge you need over your emotions to move through the rest of the protocols and continue the journey beyond the crisis.
© 2006-2008 Mystikka - Empathic Psychic. All Rights Reserved
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