The Love Crisis Survival Guide

By: Mystikka Jade

Chapter One:

Emotions and games

Because most of my clients are straight women, I will be speaking primarily to the female member of a heterosexual relationship in terms of the references to gender made throughout the following chapters. However, if you are a straight male or you are homosexual, the dynamics explained throughout this book will still apply, because love is universal.

A common thread with most of my clients is that no matter how much integrity she may have, she gets caught up in playing games in the name of love. Even those that swear to me how much they hate games, end up involved in them ‘somehow.’ The problem is, if you are very emotional you likely do not realize what game you are playing. Being unaware will render you a victim of the game itself, tossed like a tattered old volleyball back and forth over a hypothetical net.

Many of the women who confide in me would view someone else in their exact situation and say something like,

“You know you don’t need that man, you should just move on with your life. Get some self-esteem, you don’t deserve the way that he treats you.”

The ironic part of that statement is, these women do not take their own advice and ‘just move on’ from their own destructive relationships. It hurts a lot less when we notice someone else demonstrating codependent behavior than it does when we recognize those same exact behaviors in ourselves.

If we refuse to see our codependent attitudes as such, our minds come up with very convincing stories, excuses and rationalizations (“yeah, buts”) that make it believable to ourselves that our situation is different from everyone else’s. We convince ourselves that our feelings and problems are unique.

For the record, NO ONE suffering from a broken heart wants to hear, ‘he’s no good for you, just move on,’ by even a well-meaning friend or family member. It’s difficult to feel supported by people who try to help by doing the equivalent of bringing us a tablet of vitamin C when we have a body full of cancer.

When our emotions desire something that they are not getting, that thing we want (namely him) can feel like the Holy Grail. Deep down we know he won’t solve our problems. The emotions however, are so focused on what they crave, that they tend to dismiss any harsh realities that threaten our daydreams about what potentially ‘could be’ with this person.

For example, we may tell ourselves that he doesn’t mean it when he says he doesn’t want the same things that we want. Many of my clients insist that deep down underneath his aversion to commitment, he really wants one, and it’s her job to get him to see that. They believe that persistence is the key to breaking down his resistance. They blame his intimacy issues on his last relationship or his childhood. Granted, pretty much every human being has some sort of childhood issues lurking behind the curtains of their adulthood. But if you are set on being his lover, it is extremely unlikely that you can also be effective as his therapist.

In an attempt to get the attention or commitment of a resistant man, many of my clients use the lower level strategy of pretending to end the relationship just so that he will step up to the plate and fight for them. These women realize that love is a dance, and in an attempt to win the dance contest, they pull away in order to bring him closer.

Some of these women think they are breaking up for real because they are fed up and simply reacting on their feelings of the moment. Those women really felt it was best to kick the guy to the curb and were not attempting to play a game, but later on they realized that they really didn’t not want to lose the man. Their failure to initially think the situation through ends up bringing them the same resulting consequences as the women who were using the attempted break up as a manipulative tool.

In the short term, this phony break up tactic will work for many women. The man comes around and tells her the sweet nothings that she wants to hear in order to calm things down and keep the relationship in tact. He doesn’t have to make any real changes in order to get her back, because she wasn’t truly serious about the break up in the first place. Out of her weakness for him, she quickly tosses aside her so-called convictions and gives in to her romantic feelings.

The woman may experience a temporary sense of satisfaction as she watches her man squirm as he tries to get her back. One of the major problems of this technique is that once he gets back into her life again so easily, he takes a mental note about her break up threats. He sees the threats as not being serious (like ‘The Boy Who Cried Wolf’), a reaction of the woman’s crazy emotions and maybe even ‘PMS.’

The result is that he begins to think that he can just continue to do as he will, because no matter how mad she gets, she needs, wants and loves him enough to allow him to return after just a little time and space apart, followed by a verbal pat on the ass.

The woman, in her desperate attempt to be taken seriously, loses her own game. Her credibility diminishes in her man’s eyes, and in her own. Her sense of personal power disappears since she has handed it over on a silver platter to the man without paying serious attention to what she was doing.

So how does a woman rise above the tendency to give into lower level strategies, so that she may experience a higher form of love? In this book I will give you a five- protocol technique that will aid you in transcending your love crisis patterns. I will also provide you with informative tools and higher-level strategies that will help resolve a variety of common love oriented dilemmas.

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